l vtu gpt jr;[
A lot of people do not know a LOT about the deep inner workings of my mind. I'm extremely self concious, I hate admitting I am wrong, and I hate being pushed into doing/saying/buying/wearing/eating/anyve
I love listening to the rain. I love that I have a man who loves me and wants to marry me. I love to be by myself most days, and I need moments to think. When I get flustered, I can't think, therefore I look stupid when I get into an arguement. I say and do things I often regret later, and then go through phases where I try to reason with myself as to why it was okay. I'm paranoid. I would rather let a situation resolve itself over a long period of time than going in and immediately resolving it.
I'm uncomfortable talking to people, even those closest to me. I can put aside my fear to talk to someone, only if it is important, but otherwise I just let it alone. I reherse daily what I want to say and do, only to have it come out as a jumbled mess.
I am lazy.
I fear being depressed, yet somehow see the need to wallow in it. When I speak of things that I feel are wrong with me, please help me in a positive manner. Do not tell me there is nothing wrong with me, and that everyone feels "this way".
When I run into old friends, I wish I could put my life on hold for an hour and hang out with them, but life is so busy I can not afford to stop for a moment and catch up.
Most of my socializing is done online, yet, I find myself with no one to talk to. I wish I could have conversations by way of text every day, because its so easy to hit the backspace if you do not want to say something,... It is not as easy to do this with words already spoken aloud.
I love my best friends, but I am uncomfortable being around them. I feel like if we hang out, it is my duty to find something fun for us to do, and if we sit there for a minute, I feel as if I have failed them in some how.
I feel as though I have failed a lot of people on every day tasks.
I occasionally pull my personal files from my dad's cabinet and I realize, he does love me. He keeps things like drawings and notes I pass to friends... even though they're personal, he keeps them and I cant throw them away because I know he saves them for me to look at when I am older.
I recently came across my diciplinary file that was made when I was having trouble in 12th grade. Why was I such a bitch? It was because my life was over because I was depressed and I wanted it all to end. I didn't care about mundane things such as school, even though the school gave me SO many second chances, I couldnt just straighen up for two more months. Its something I regret every day.
I threw the file away, and now I wish I had saved it. But why?
Thats what my entire problem is. When I can not face something, I just run away from it. I find any way I can to put it out of my circle...
I often wish I had no friends at all, yet, I feel so lonely with the friends I do have.